Adulting and Turning 30 – Spilling all the Tea
We need to hit the ground running on the Adulting with Adwoa and share some tips on adulting. Since turning 25, I have been scared to get older because I was approaching the big three-oh (30) faster than I thought I would (thank you, panini of 2020). But ever since I got new friends in my corner, I feel so much better about turning 30, navigating this whole adulting thing and getting older.
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I got to sit down with one of my friends whom I really look up to and admire. We got to talk about turning 30, her perspective on her 20s, and all things adulting! Sarah Carter is a woman that does all. She is a User Generated Content (UGC) Creator, the host of the “She’s Doing Alright” Podcast, Influencer, Mom, Wife, Daughter, sister, and friend. She always has so many great insights. I am so glad she started a podcast to share these insights.
When I interviewed Sarah, she had just turned 30, so I figured it would be the perfect time to ask her some questions about adulting and hopefully share some advice for myself and anyone looking for adulting advice.
Let’s get into the interview with Sarah and the adulting advice!
What do you think it means to be an adult?
To answer this question, Sarah shared something she realized after watching a video that mentions we are not adults until we are 18. So, as we get further into this journey, we start the aging process all over again. So, currently, Sarah feels like she is a 12-year-old adult. And to be honest, because we all spent 3 of those years in a pandemic, how many years have we honestly spent adulting? This a very valid question because it is shocking to realize how much time has truly passed and how much we have aged after the pandemic.
So to Sarah, being an adult is just faking by pretending you have it all together and becoming more comfortable without actually having it all together. And “having it all together” looks very different for every single person.
Overall, Sarah believes being an adult means you are comfortable with the responsibilities associated with it. You stop pretending to be flowing through life easily like it’s all sunshine and rainbows and recognize that we all have issues that we are working through. We are, after all, doing this whole adulting thing for the first time ever, so allow yourself some grace.
Is being an adult all you thought it would be?
Until she was 17 or 18, Sarah thought that her entire purpose in life was to get married before she turned 20 and have children until she was no longer physically able to have them. So that means if she was going to have 1 or 10, it was her calling (from God), so she would do so happily. This is due to her upbringing in the church she grew up in. Being a wife by 20 and bearing children was her only option.
But by the time Sarah was actually 20, she started switching her mindset and thinking outside of the one life path she was brought up with. She started dreaming of living life as a travel writer, living in a van, etc. Basically, changing her mindset and focusing on working toward doing things SHE wanted to do rather than what she was told she should do by her parents.
Some more thoughts on adulting
It turns out Sarah had been thinking about this before our conversation. She came to realize that being an adult is much better than she thought it would be. This is because, for so long, she felt as though she only had one life path. Now, she feels like she needs clones to accomplish the things in order for her to live her dream life (7 specifically). There is so much more she wants to do, like travel, be at home with her child, run her own business, be an employee, and go out for brunch with the girls all at the same time. Unfortunately, this is almost physically impossible for one person.
Another amazing part of being an adult is making your own money. You decide how you spend that money, and a lot of adulting is taking responsibility for yourself and your actions because no one is responsible for you but yourself. A terrifying but exciting realization. Despite that, she is just enjoying the (adulting) ride so far.
Now that you are 30, do you feel like a “real” adult?
Okay, this is very similar to the last question, but let’s elaborate on it:
When you first meet Sarah and compare her to others, it looks like she has it all together. But what does that mean???
Based on the North American definition of what success looks like, Sarah is:
- Married
- Has a house
- Has minimal debt
- Has a baby
- She’s a housewife
But when she compares where she is in life with her sister, who is six years older than her. Her sister doesn’t want children, has worked a corporate job for the past 16 years, etc.. Sarah feels her sister is HER idea of a successful adult. Here are some reasons why:
Sarah’s sister is financially set, has a house, and is set to retire early #GOALS!!
Overall, Sarah feels like she’s doing a decent job at this whole adulting thing. She wants to remind us that comparison is ALWAYS going to be the thief of joy. So we should focus on our own path, and we will become successful adults.
Sarah is incredibly knowledgeable and wise, so as a piece of motivation, she shares one of those inspirational quotes. This quote shares how a lot of the celebrities we know and love didn’t really become “successful” until much later in life. So we should just remember that “what you are building now will one day lead you to the doorway that seemed so far out of reach.” “But if you stay where you are, wallowing in self-pity, letting yourself settle in your comfort zone, you’re not going to end up doing anything to aid in your success.”
So please remember that adulting is all about pushing the boundaries and seeing what you’re truly capable of!
What are some of the most valuable lessons you’ve learned in your twenties that you’ll carry into your thirties?
The biggest and most valuable lesson for Sarah is owning her finances. To her, this ranges from being at a point in her life where she is not saving because “you never know when you’ll die” to having a scarcity mindset (a feeling she hates) to now, where she wants to enjoy what she’s saved.
She has cycled through these stages and believes the reasoning behind this is a money wound that stems from a childhood of not having enough. She wishes she had spent more time fixing/working on that money wound rather than just running around the issue. If you feel called out by this, don’t worry, I do too.
Before your birthday, how did you feel about turning 30?
So, 2-3 weeks before actually turning 30, Sarah felt as though she was already that age. She found herself telling people she was 30 whenever they asked for her age. You NEVER ask a woman for her age…tsk tsk.
She did bring up a valid point, being that one (your birthday) day marks your time around the sun. So instead of looking at it like, “I’m turning thirty,” she switched it to I have completed 30 years on this earth. (Which is an amazing accomplishment!!)
The actual tea on turning 30
But to answer the question, turning 30 was what she expected because she knew that nothing would suddenly change overnight. However, she did feel a bit weird about telling people her age because previously, when she would tell people she was 29, they had a preconceived idea about her (young mom, everything has come together for you, etc.). But when you’re 30, people question you, inquiring about your minivan. (She is a cool mom, and cool moms don’t drive minivans!)
She has noticed that telling people she is 29 vs. 30 changes the mental picture people have in their heads about her. They also try to assume where she should be in life, especially for those who haven’t met her before.
I just had to Chime in…
I did bring up the point of this “trend” of people posting pictures of celebrities and praising them because they “don’t look their age,”…whatever that means. Sarah resonated with this; she thinks she looks her age because she is that age (mic drop). She may not look like other people her age, but that is what she looks like at this point in time. And things change based on stress, the use of treatments like Botox and filler, or other factors.
I chimed in (ofc I did) and brought up my experiences surrounding people’s interpretation of my age. One thing that I wanted to point out was the fact that because people think I am older than what people assume, does that mean that they will treat me less seriously or see me as less because I am “young”?? Or suddenly will take me more seriously because you know how old I am. Sarah echoed my thoughts (yay). She said it perfectly; there are so many biases [how you look/age] is just another way for people to judge us.
She also brought up something that she came to realize; now that she is 30, people are going to expect her to do things differently. AKA be pro at this whole adulting thing. Sarah knows of people in her age group who hire a babysitter and go out every weekend, and that is what thirty looks like for THEM. While others have a rule to not go out past 6 because they feel like they are too “old” for those kinds of activities.
She loves aging and wants to live until she’s 120.
What are some things you wish you could tell your 20-year-old self?
Drink more water, eat less sugar, and get better sleep. If you do those things, you are naturally giving yourself some self-love; you’re naturally being more responsible.
Another thing she wanted to tell her younger self is, “No one is thinking of you as much as much as you are.” Hate to break it to ya, but no one cares what you’re doing. We are just so in our heads all the time. If a stranger does notice you doing something embarrassing like tripping, for example, and makes a huge deal out of it, that’s usually a them problem.
Some Self-Reflection: a Key Part of Adulting
Sarah stated that she had spent a lot of time learning how to reframe the way she speaks so it doesn’t sound like she’s blaming others for her reaction to their words and/or actions but rather taking ownership of her feelings as a result of others’ actions/words. For example, someone did or said something that hurt your feelings, saying that I felt this way when you did XYZ, it’s not your fault, but would you want to work with me so that I can feel better about the situation? She states that most people that you share this vulnerable side with won’t usually be dismissive of your feelings; they would want to work with you.
It comes down to Sarah realizing that just because she has done the work (therapy) doesn’t mean she is better than others. And if you really want to be doing the work, then you need to be able to hold space for the people that you love the most to also do it. She has spent the last 2-3 years working on reframing how she speaks so that she isn’t blaming but rather trying to work together to find a solution.
What did we learn?
We both agreed that sitting down and having those “tough/hard” conversations are crucial for the health of your relationships. They are necessary to feel better about any conflicts you may be experiencing!
If you are looking at someone and assuming that you know everything about them, place a hypothetical mirror in front of you and see if you’re projecting your own issues onto them…
Are there any significant changes in who you are/how you act now compared to your early adulthood years?
She puts herself out there a lot more now, but not for the attention of others. Which is something she used to do when she was younger (I know I can relate). As we all do (don’t lie), we wait for that specific person (or people) to see whatever it is that we posted in the hopes they react to it in some way. Sarah did this, I did this, and I am sure you did this, too; it’s okay; that’s all part of the beautiful journey of growing up.
Now that Sarah has grown up, she isn’t really bothered if anything she chooses to share now gets 20 views, 200 thousand views. She chose to share that content intentionally; she maybe found it funny, inspirational, educational, etc. She isn’t looking for your validation, and I respect that.
Adulting is realizing that being a people pleaser ain’t it chief
This topic of people-pleasing and external validation reminded me of a TikTok I saw recently that said creating content is one way you are getting rid of your people-pleasing tendencies. This is because you start making content that YOU want to create, not for attention or validation from others.
Sarah brought up another example that I think encompasses the need to constantly feel validated by others. She shared how when she used to go to the bars, she would make sure that she was sitting with perfect posture, engaging every single muscle, looking around to see if anyone was looking at her. She was also constantly being cautious of how she was drinking or eating just in case someone decided to take a random picture of her at that very moment (like in the movies, you see the mysterious girl across the bar, the main male character is thinking “should I go and talk to her?” type beat). But she kind of humbled herself by looking at her side profile and realizing it wasn’t giving what she thought it was giving.
What did we learn? Adulting means growing
After growing and learning from those experiences, Sarah now just lives her life for HER. But she is always conscious about how her child views her. She has started to “live through his eyes” by being aware of the things she thinks and says about herself. Those thoughts about herself can transfer over to how she treats herself, which would affect how her child sees her. She would never want a situation where her child compliments her, and she reacts with genuine shock (this can be due to self-esteem, confidence, mental health struggles, etc.)
Rather, she would want him to be able to accept the compliment and not be shocked or surprised. This is because this is the first time you have had someone compliment him in that way. And also wants her child to be able to have positive self-talk and be able to hype themselves up without needing external validation.
A reminder because ILY
A reminder I think we all need is, “No one can treat you worse than you have/can treat yourself” and “You should be the kindest person in your own life.” This is a boundary that we all need to remember. If there is someone or something that is making you feel worse than any of the mean things you have ever said to yourself, leave that behind you.
On the topic of being the kindest person in your life, Sarah and I both agreed with complimenting yourself and being nice to yourself. Do this in case someone tries to tell you otherwise; their words won’t cut deep because deep down, you know that whatever it is they said just isn’t true in the SLIGHTEST.
So, tell yourself you’re a baddie every day until you own it and believe it. If you already do, I LOVE THAT FOR YOU!! You aren’t vain for thinking highly of yourself. Always try to do something for yourself every day. It can help so much, especially if you are on a self-love journey. You, in 30+ years, will be so thankful that you started doing things for yourself and turning them into a habit/non-negotiable.
SELF-LOVE FROM 2023 AND BEYOND.
Let’s wrap this up
There are so many more nuggets from my interview with Sarah that I will share in another adulting post. There is so much information about adulting; I recommend bookmarking this for future reference. Ya girl feels a lot better about aging. I seriously can not wait to get older so I can grow as a person. Let me know how you feel about turning 30 and adulting now.
I am so honoured that she agreed to let me interview her! Please make sure to check out her socials and podcast for more nuggets!
Much love,
Adwoa from Adulting with Adwoa 😉
